Alicia McKay
This week, I had a great question from a Wednesday Wisdom reader. J wrote: "I'd like to ask for advice - especially as a woman - on how to not get in your own way. Self doubt, imposter syndrome, self esteem issues - what ever you want to call it - why is it that we doubt ourselves and how do we get over this? Any tips on how to manage this when burnt out and low on resilience?
I do so much introspection, growth, development etc and am frustrated that I still have to do this work continuously, especially when other (read: men) dont (or dont seem to - painting with a broad brush here!)."
J, you're not alone. The inner critics of women worldwide are speaking loudly, and bringing us down. First, I’d like you to read this HBR article: Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome.
With that done, I’ll try to help. If there were an easy answer, I'd love to know it - and give it to you! But it did send me off to do some digging.
Here's what I found...
The confidence gap
Everyone struggles from self-doubt at times - but women far more so. The competence-confidence connection isn't linear, and there's a big difference between the sexes. Men lean towards over-confidence in their abilities, while women lean the other way. Our lack of confidence has huge implications - undervaluing our worth leads us to settle for less pay, stops us from applying for promotions and jobs we deserve, and leads to us taking on more than we should. Here's why:
1. High expectations
There is a very clear social mould that women are socialised to fit into from an early age. How we should sit, look, act, eat, work and care for others is prescriptive and reinforced constantly. To fit that mould, we criticise, self-regulate, over-analyse, downplay our efforts, and highlight our shortcomings. That inner critic leads us to under-evaluate our true performance.
2. Role overload
Many women feel (reasonably) pressured to be everything to everyone - and expect perfection in every domain. We must be present, nurturing mothers, ambitious, productive employees, confident, inspiring leaders, engaged, connected community members, thoughtful, enthusiastic friends, responsible, caring family members... and so on. It’s not because we’re control freaks. Research supports that there are “stricter performance standards imposed on women, even when women and men hold the same job.” Yep, we work twice as hard for half the reward - and we have more roles to fulfil.
3. Male overconfidence
The comparative over-confidence of men gives them a huge advantage in the work place. Because they overestimate their abilities, men are more likely to put their ideas forward, speak up, call out decisions they think are wrong, and sustain failure or criticism. With women at one extreme and men at the other, it's no wonder there's such a big gap.
4. The world is built for men
Our workplaces are designed for men. From the structure of our work day, the nature of relationship-building opportunities, visibly valued leadership capabilities and esteemed role models through to logistical issues (maternity leave penalties, unfair access to toilet facilities, office temperature and poorly constructed PPE), we are navigating a system that isn't designed for us. It's pretty hard to feel like we fit in when we don't. We face systemic bias at every turn, are marginalised and excluded from recruitment and meetings and have to work harder for the same reward.
5. The appearance tax
Women are socialised into the importance of their appearance from birth. Not only are we supposed to be amazing, we're supposed to look amazing while we do it - even when we work remotely! Our body image is so closely tied to our worth that we experience crushing internal and external pressure to meet unrealistic beauty standards. The work that goes into attempting to achieve that - and the guilt that comes from failing to - consumes energy that could be directed into our competence. Don’t worry; there’s marketing for that: you can cover that exhaustion with even more products! Not only that, but the products that are sold to us to meet this tax pose a greater economic burden than equivalent products marketed to men (the infamous ‘pink tax.’)
The exhaustion gap
Unsurprisingly, all factors contributing to the confidence gap are tiring. They'd be enough to send us into an exhausted heap - but those things aren't all burning us out. We're also taking on a hugely unfair emotional burden at work and home, and the Stress Gap means women are hit harder at every step.
Again, why?
1. Flexibility isn't that flexible
While working arrangements have adjusted massively over the last couple of years, flexible working isn't helping women in the same way it's helping men. Men have always enjoyed more space for leisure time in their schedules, and reducing commutes and increasing work/life balance has widened the difference. For women, being home more increases the amount of housework, childcare and domestic management we are expected to achieve daily. Bonus: it starts young. Girls took on more housework than boys, while everyone was locked down. Sigh.
2. Discrimination is quieter now
Increased focus on gender equity in the workplace has dark side-effects. Discrimination has been driven underground, with some research suggesting that’s worse than overt discrimination - and that even being in a female-dominated industry doesn’t save you. The majority of women in the workplace have experienced harassment or micro-aggressions (being talked over, interrupted or patronised) in the last year at work. Most of these are unreported for fear of being difficult or facing backlash, which puts a huge mental and emotional management burden on women to suck it up, process it on their own time and carry on.
3. Unequal division of emotional and mental labour
Working mothers are significantly more likely to burnout than working fathers. The ongoing inequity in how household chores are divided is bad enough, but combine that with the responsibility for school events, extra-curricular admin, remembering appointments, coordinating communication and logistics, shouldering responsibility for healthcare and financial decisions, and we've simply got more on our minds. And get this - when women are the higher-earner in the relationship, they actually do more of the household labour, overcompensating for their male partners’ egos. Decision fatigue sets in much faster for women because we're making more of them.
4. The broken rung
Women are less likely than men to be promoted to management, leaving many of us in jobs we're overqualified for. The frustration and stress from a lack of autonomy and the boredom of underutilisation are huge contributors to burnout. We experience less joy from our jobs, then we go home to experience more pressure and less joy from our personal lives.
5. Office housework
Women are responsible for more unrecognised labour in the workplace - from leading health and wellbeing programs and providing pastoral support to organising meetings, taking minutes, ordering supplies, following up emails and chasing deadlines. In short: all the stuff we do at home, but at work. This unseen labour keeps organisations ticking along, but it crowds out the time, space and energy we have for our actual jobs, which tires us out much faster.
Tl;DR: Women are expected to do more, much of which isn't valued, and it still isn't good enough for ourselves or others.
There's nothing wrong with you, J. There's a lot wrong with the world we live in.
Managing those pressures can't be done by one woman alone - that kind of individual thinking keeps us lonely, small, and not good enough. But we can do a few things together to help turn the curve in our homes and workplaces.
Five things you can do
Unfortunately, I can’t destroy patriarchy for you today. (Though I thoroughly enjoy reading about its history and origins. Check out this book by Angela Saini.) Here are a few everyday things that can help
1. Push back on bullshit
All those little slights and micro-aggressions that don't get called out accumulate. When we let ourselves and others be talked over, ignore 'harmless jokes' and put the unequal representation of women around the leadership table down to chance rather than naming it for the universal pattern it is, we allow it to continue. Every time we push back and make other people uncomfortable with our discomfort, we put the collective responsibility for change back where it belongs.
2. Make the invisible, visible
Our mental and emotional load stays hidden because it isn't as tangible as making and producing things. The entire economy runs on the unpaid care labour of women (to the tune of $10.8 trillion a year) and will stay that way if we leave it unseen.
A well-meaning older lady once advised me, as a work-from-home parent, to leave clues. Don't put the vacuum cleaner away, she advised, so that when my husband comes home and trips over it, he will be reminded that the floor isn't clean by accident. The vacuum cleaner theory applies to all the other work we do - the permission slips we fill in, the 1:1 coaching we do out of hours, and the meetings we organise. Make that work visible, delegate those responsibilities to others, and let them mess it up while they fumble around figuring it out. Men can operate smartphones and run empires, they can bloody well work a washing machine and organise catering.
3. Tell yourself the truth
Stop speaking to yourself in such horrific ways. We tell ourselves things we would never tolerate from our loved ones - imagine calling your exhausted, hard-working best friend tired, lazy, fat or a terrible mother? You wouldn't because it's incorrect and hurtful. Yet we're perfectly happy to let those tracks run on repeat in our own minds. Be your own best friend and biggest advocate, and do it loudly and obviously, so that other women hear you do it. Highlight your successes, say nice things about your effort and look for evidence of your value - because it's everywhere. Be the girl who hypes you in the pub bathroom, to yourself, every damn day.
4. Stop putting other people's comfort first
\We're not the only ones socialised to believe we should be nice, kind, dainty humans who make other people feel good - it's expected of us by our colleagues, bosses, partners, children and friends too. You will face backlash when you start to behave differently by pushing back, prioritising leisure time, and demanding more equality at work or home. People may like you less. That's not your problem. You weren't put here to be nice to everyone, and not everyone will like you for your choices. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. Your peace is worth far more than their pleasure. Accept other's annoyance for what it is: their problem.
5. Band together
Women are driven into shame, silence and competition because that serves existing power structures. For some of us, the only way we've got ahead is by allying ourselves with men - which makes sense! Get three of us over a wine, though; there is nothing but love. When we stop being complicit in our own discrimination and refuse to judge women more harshly, be suspicious of each other's motives, or point the finger when things go wrong, we say no to a system that wants to keep us isolated. We're unstoppable when we open conversations about unfair treatment, stick up for each other and offer support, praise and unity. Build those work friendships, celebrate each other's success, refuse to participate in gossip and highlight the great stuff being done by other women.
If nothing else, J - I see you. You're great, and you're tired, and you deserve better. It's not your fault, and it's not OK.