Alicia McKay
Change is hard to talk about, because people tend to feel personally attacked. They have good reason to feel that way. When we talk about the things we want to do better - at work, socially, or politically - we talk about the behaviours that are no longer OK. These are behaviours people have been actively engaging in, for some time, with good intentions.
At work, that might mean adopting new ways of working, becoming more sustainable, embracing technology or reorganising teams.
At home, that might mean allocating housework more fairly.
Socially, that might mean elevating the concerns and progress of marginalised groups.
In each case, it's hard not to feel like the proverbial bad guy, when you've been existing within, supporting and benefiting from the status quo. It's like when you have a new baby, and your mother in law or older relatives start offering you nuggets of wisdom from their child-rearing years that feel borderline abusive.
'Just let the baby scream it out!' they'll urge. 'I fed you solids at 6 weeks,' they'll say proudly. 'Too many cuddles will spoil them and teach them to misbehave' they'll warn sternly. 'I'd have smacked my child for behaving like that,' they'll admonish.
While you might want to express your horror, you generally don't. Why? Because you know they were acting on the advice and wisdom they had available to them, doing their best to love and raise their children.
It's not your older relatives that are in the wrong, not individually. It was the systems of knowledge, or lack of, that informed how parenting took place in decades gone by.
The same is true at work. It's not the people who've worked there for 20 years who have done the wrong thing. They've been doing their jobs, with the best of intentions, inside the policies, processes, knowledge and norms your environment required.
Things change, though. We know better, and then we do better. Whether it's parenting, work, politics or language, we shift the dial as we learn. It's no longer OK to use culturally appropriated turns of phrase - not because it ever was, but because we understand that now. It's no longer OK to make suggestive comments that make women feel unsafe - not because it ever was, but because we understand safety, violence and sexism differently.
In each of these examples, it's not people who are bad. The systems we exist within encouraged behaviour from us that we now understand is bad. I've been trying to remember that recently, as I've been deepening my understanding of gender issues. This is something I'm really passionate about, but I often struggle to have conversations with others without becoming frustrated, feeling hopeless, or provoking defensiveness.
Everyone who receives Wednesday Wisdom is a leader - whether it's in your families, communities, peer groups or at work. That means every one of you is responsible for seeking ways to know better and do better. You're responsible for creating systems and environments that enable change in others. It's easy to get caught up in pointing fingers, but that's slow, ineffective and unfair.
Instead, use your power and voice to leave things better than you've found them. Look underneath the surface, ask better questions and challenge the systems and environment you're in to produce better behaviour.
Til next week,
A
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OPTIONAL EXTRA - READING LIST:
I've recently been filling some gaps in my feminist library. If you're a reader and you'd like some recommendations, here's my most recent top 3.
- Sexual Revolution: Modern Fascism and the Feminist Fightback by Laurie Perry
A searing critique of modern patriarchy that cohesively links feminism, sex, power, consent, political economy and capitalism. More aha moments than any book I've read in a long time. My key takeaway: violence against women isn't an unfortunate or accidental by-product of the current order. It's an intentional, embedded political and economic strategy to maintain existing power structures. Hard-hitting and full of trigger warnings.
It's not perfect - I found some of the comments around sex work and white feminism to be lacking depth or nuance. It's centred squarely in the experience of cis-gendered women and there's parts that needed more data, or connections to effective interventions. That said, it is an extremely worthwhile read. - Boys Will Be Boys by Clementine Ford
Patriarchy harms everyone. First and foremost, it harms all women and girls, who are exponentially more likely to experience sexual violence and almost certain to experience gender discrimination. In Boys Will Be Boys, Ford deftly outlines how it also harms men and boys, creating a culture of entitlement, aggression and toxicity.
I love all of Clementine Ford's work, and deeply admire how unapologetic she is in her stance. Boys Will Be Boys is my favourite in her collection, because of how densely and irrefutably well referenced it is. This book combines story and data to paint a sobering picture of insidious toxic masculinity. Highly recommended. - White Feminism by Koa Beck
Compulsory reading for all feminists, male and female alike. I've been actively broadening my understanding around gender issues, especially since becoming the parent of a wonderful transgender child. I've realised how little I understand the world outside of the traditional gender binary and how blinkered my view of feminism has been to colour, class and sexuality..
This book is an eye-opening, historically accurate examination of how feminism came to be a consumer commodity of white supremacy. It unpacks all the ways modern feminism does unintentional harm by privileging a narrow portion of society, and exposes how damaging that is for everyone outside of the dominant narrative. Brilliant, thought-provoking and difficult to read at times. Loved it.
- Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America by Ijeoma Ulou
- Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Cristina Criado Perez
- Who Cooked Adam Smith's Dinner? A Story About Women and Economics By Katrine Marcal
- Mother of Invention: How Good Ideas Get Ignored In An Economy Built For Men by Katrine Marcal
- Essential Labor: Mothering as Social Change by Angela Garbes
- Ghost Lover by Lisa Taddeo
- Three Women by LIsa Taddeo
- Like A Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy by Angela Garbes
- The Transgender Issue: An Argument for Justice by Shon Faye
- Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny by Kate Manne
- Womens Work: A Personal Reckoning with Labour, Motherhood, and Privilege by Megan K Stack
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