The invisible list

My middle child is a bit of a sage. Since she was little, she’s habitually said profound things that make you look at her sideways. In the way that only children can, she has a beautiful way of summing up complicated things into one-liners that I appreciate. 

When things are fraught and tangled, overwhelming and challenging, she will often sum it up in this neat little package: “It’s a lot.” 

I’m working with overwhelmed teams and leaders who tell me exactly that.

“It's a lot." – Charlie, 10 

There will always be more things to do than time to do them. When we get stuck in a reactive cycle of worrying about ticking those things off, we get more overwhelmed, even as the ticks add up.

I work with many good people and teams stuck here, without the direction to move forward. They're always busy, constantly stressed, and always feel behind—even when they're some of the most productive people I know.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of reactive behaviour. It keeps us responsive and on our toes and gets things moving. When it becomes the default, though, we get exhausted.

Our reactivity and overwhelm is often driven by guilt - that annoying internal story we tell ourselves about not being enough. Guilt has us worrying about letting people down, fearing we're not doing enough and trying desperately to keep control. Guilt is an unwinnable game that flares up when we don't meet our unrealistic expectations.

I advise my clients to go beyond time planning and do contingency planning. With contingency planning, we anticipate disruption and failure rather than planning for the best-case scenario. This planning grounds our expectations and soothes some guilt before it starts.

The problem with our plans is how much doesn't make it on the list, whether they're time or contingency-based.

I've been thinking about my "invisible list" this week and how little we value what we don't see. My work planner might start at 9 a.m., but I've been up for hours by then, doing all the invisible things that keep my life, business, and household running smoothly. It might end at 5, but I won't stop doing things then!

We value some of our tasks and priorities more visibly than others, but this is a disservice. We can't work with what we can't see. When we don't plan for everything in our lives, it weighs on our shoulders instead, and we wonder why we don't feel 'on top of things'. We don't see anyone else's invisible list, so we get the twisted idea that we're the only ones not keeping up.

It sucks, and it isn't true. The internet is full of inspirational quotes that tell us to dream bigger and try harder. Just say no.

“Successful people say no to almost everything.” – Warren Buffet 

But it’s about a lot more than saying yes too often. Many things we’re worried about ticking off aren't visible, aren't asked for, and aren't valued.

I don't have the answers, but I've had enough. I'm calling bullsh*t on the invisible list and all the internalised, unfair expectations we set for ourselves. 

What's on your invisible list?

How can we bring the invisible list to light?