My middle child is a bit of a sage. Since she was little, she’s had a habit of saying profound things that make you look at her sideways. In the way that only children can, she has a beautiful way of summing up complicated things into one-liners that I really appreciate.
When things are fraught and tangled, overwhelming and challenging, she will often sum it up in this neat little package: “It’s a lot.”
I’m working with some really overwhelmed teams and leaders at the moment, and they're telling me exactly that.
“It's a lot." – Charlotte, 10
There will always be more things to do than time to do them. When we get stuck in a reactive cycle of worrying about ticking those things off, we get more overwhelmed, even as the ticks add up.
I work with a lot of good people and teams who are stuck here, without the direction to move forward. They're always busy, always stressed, and always feel behind - even when they're some of the most productive people I know.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of reactive behaviour. It keeps us responsive and on our toes, and gets things moving. When it becomes the default though, we get exhausted.
I reckon a lot of our reactivity and overwhelm is driven by guilt - that annoying internal story we tell ourselves about not being enough. Guilt has us worrying about letting people down, fearing we're not doing enough and trying desperately to keep control. Guilt is an unwinnable game, and it really flares up when we don't meet our own unrealistic expectations.
“Everybody has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth." – Mike Tyson
One of the things I advise my clients to do is to go beyond time planning and do contingency planning. With contingency planning, we anticipate disruption and failure, rather than planning for the best-case scenario. This kind of planning grounds our expectations and soothes some of the guilt before it gets started.
The problem with our plans though, whether they're time-based or contingency-based, is how much doesn't make it on the list.
I've been thinking about my "invisible list" this week, and how little we value what we don't see. My work planner might start at 9am, but I've been up for hours by then, doing all the invisible things that keep my life, business and household running smoothly. It might end at 5, but I certainly don't stop doing things then!
We value some of our tasks and priorities more visibly than others, but it's doing us a disservice. We can't work with what we can't see. When we don't plan for all the stuff in our life, it weighs on our shoulders instead, and we wonder why we don't feel 'on top of things'. We don't see anyone else's invisible list either, so we get the twisted idea that we're the only ones not keeping up.
It sucks, and it isn't true. The internet's full of inspirational quotes, telling us to just dream bigger and try harder. Just say no.
“Successful people say no to almost everything.” – Warren Buffet
But it’s about a lot more than saying yes too often. Many of the things we’re worried about ticking off aren't visible, aren't asked for, and aren't valued.
I don't have the answers, but I've had enough. I'm calling bullsh*t on the invisible list and all the internalised, unfair expectations we set for ourselves.
What's on your invisible list?
How can we bring the invisible list to light?
Alicia McKay
