I woke up on Sunday morning full of Christmas spirit. Oh wait, no, I didn't. I woke up on Sunday morning full of indignation, which I channelled into festivity. "2020 has taken enough from us!" I fumed as I pulled the tree out of the box "... It's not taking Christmas!"
My children were mildly bemused, but got involved, decking the tree, scattering decorations around the house (don't underestimate the impact of tinsel in your houseplants) and wrapping gifts.
Truth be told, I was angry. And that anger has simmered away throughout the week, channelled at various things. People that have let me down. Tech that doesn't work. Things that are harder than they should be. Stuff I can't find.
The injustice!
Anger is not a feeling we're not encouraged to have. It makes people uncomfortable. It's associated with violence and destruction. We're taught to 'manage' - aka stifle - it... and that sucks. Anger is important.
Anger is useful
Anger is great because it tells us something. Anger says: "Something needs to change."
Fury is even stronger, and it says: "Something really needs to change... now!"
Anger gives us the focus and energy to tackle things that aren't right. Anger has an attractive cousin, too: passion. Who doesn't love a bit of passion? At a speaking gig to a room of risk professionals on Monday, I let loose on my frustration with senior leaders trapped in the weeds and laid out my prescription for putting strategy first.
"Wow, that was great!" said the MC in his concluding remarks, looking a little worried for his safety "...I, ah, love your passion." Thanks, anger.
I use anger to fuel my #aliciarants series on LinkedIn, too, where I take a regular stab at the most infuriating leadership and change behaviours I see. These rants validate the experiences of others and provoke useful conversations about how to do better.
However, anger often feels inappropriate, especially in the workplace. We generally don't know what to do when we confront anger in others. So, we retreat or, worst case, retaliate. Neither of these reactions is very helpful - so what can we do?
Let's break it down.
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Anger means we care
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Anger is a front
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Anger can be channelled
Anger means we care
Anger = engagement.
If we care enough about something to get angry, it's a clue that we're dealing with something important. We wouldn't react strongly to something we felt ambivalent about. So before you dismiss your feelings or try to shut them off (let's just shove that deep down; I'm sure that won't come back to bite...), take a moment and listen. Why is this important to you?
If you face angry people at work, you're already a step ahead - because you've got engagement, which is hard on the best of days! When you know how to understand and harness the anger of others, you can make great things happen.
Anger is a front
Anger is what psychologists call a secondary emotion. In plain speak, that means it's usually a front for something else we'd rather not feel. The two most popular primary emotions that anger masks are fear and sadness.
Anger hides fear and anxiety
Fear includes anxiety and worry and is usually when we're afraid of losing something. If you're angry, ask yourself what you're really worried about. What are you afraid you might lose here? Is that true? What steps can you take to protect what matters to you?
If you're facing others who are scared, do the same thing. What's threatening about this situation? Instead of assuming people are just being a-holes, dig a layer deeper. Are they afraid of losing something? How can you address that?
Anger hides sadness and disappointment
Sadness includes disappointment and regret, usually about something we've lost. When we lose something significant to us, it's easier to get angry than feel the impact of its absence. If you're sad, ask yourself what you're grieving. How can you express that? What steps can you take to recover a new version of what's gone?
(A hack for this one: if you're expressing your frustration to a trusted friend, and a hug has you suddenly fighting back tears... you're probably sad. That's cool. Work with it.)
If you're facing others who are sad, do the same thing. What are they disappointed about? How can you acknowledge and respect that? How can you facilitate a path forward?
(A hack for this one: don't hug other people without asking. It's dodgy territory.)
Anger can be channelled
It's OK to be angry. It's super OK to be scared or sad. It's not OK to be a dick about it, and it's not OK for others to behave badly.
Instead of retreating from your feelings or the feelings of others (*sticking my fingers in my ears, la la la*) or retaliating, take the time to understand what sits underneath. What's worrying here, or what's been lost?
What injustice are you arc-ing up against? What can you do about it? What are the most important things for you to change? How can you get others on board and take action?
Harness anger for good
I'm a big fan of anger when it's harnessed for good.
I love it when I walk into a workshop packed with warring factions and nervous tension, because I've got something to work with. What facilitator doesn't want a room full of people who care and have the passion and focus to do something about it?
Powerful things happen when you channel that anger to unpack what's come before and create a new narrative together. Trust builds. People connect. Problems are tackled. Change gets started - and it keeps going because the energy is there to keep momentum.
Next time you feel fury starting to bubble, don't push it away. Next time you walk into a room full of tension - silent or expressed - don't despair. It's a great opportunity to create something new.
Breathe, put your own shit to the side, and get ready to make great things happen.
Alicia McKay
