When I was 25, I left my job with two kids, a mortgage to pay, and a husband on apprentice wages. I'd left my policy job in frustration, looking for a faster pace, more meaningful change and a closer connection to tangible results. The problem was that I tried to find that in a law firm.
After just 8 weeks, it was clear to me that I wasn't happy. I was commuting 2 hours a day, travelling 3 days a week, working all hours, and schmoozing clients at fancy restaurants. I had the Koru club, the credit card and the status - but I felt hollow. And the future didn't look any rosier.
If I did well at my job, I'd have even more work to do (as evidenced by the hours my boss was putting in), make rich partners even richer, and be lucky ever to see my kids.
This was a crossroads, and I was being called to live my values. Trembling, I did the math. If my husband could get a pay raise to $21 an hour, we could cover our mortgage while I figured out what I was doing next.
Lucky for us, he got the pay rise. With just $2000 in the bank, we leapt, and I resigned with the vague idea of going freelance.
I was terrified—I'd never seen anyone start a consulting or freelance business, and I was so young; who would hire me? What did I know that was worth doing? Would I have to crawl back to my old employer with my tail between my legs, begging for another shot?
Looking back, I can see that my core values were being compromised - though I'm not sure 25-year-old me could have explained it so neatly. I value contribution, responsibility, family and autonomy above all else, and I wasn't working in a way that aligned with those.
Does that mean the people in my law firm were unethical, or the job shouldn't exist? Absolutely not.
Core values express who you are, not necessarily how the world should be. But in that situation, the misalignment between what I held closest to my heart and how I lived every day was untenable.
I've been called to live these values many times since - sometimes, I've made decisions I'm proud of, and sometimes, I've made compromises I regret. Living an aligned life is not a one-and-done. It's messy, it's hard, and I've hurt people along the way.
But when people tell me they're unhappy - in their work or their relationships, and they can't explain why, I always ask them about their values. Once we know what drives us, the gaps and gnawing feelings become easier to understand, and we can take action to change it.
Sometimes, that action is scary, and we don't know the future. But here's the thing that not everyone knows: it's easier to take the scary action than live in misalignment and ambiguity. You might be stressed about money, lonely, or scared you'll fail, but you'll sleep better at night. You'll trust yourself differently. Your health will improve. Your body will thank you.
The price of living out of alignment is rarely worth it.
If you're constantly feeling uneasy, using unhealthy coping mechanisms (it's wine and chips for me, but hey, it could be worse!), or snapping at the people you love the most, it might be time to examine your values.
My path wasn't easy. There was a lot of hard work, failure and mistakes along the way. 9 years later, I still wake up some mornings wondering if I should chuck it all in and just get a job. But then I look at my kids and imagine not being there for them after school. I speak to my students and clients and imagine leaving them in the lurch. I look around me at the life I've built, take a deep breath, and keep going. Being in charge of my own life, living my values my way, and fully possessing my own choices: good, bad, and otherwise, is not something I'm willing to give up again.
Your story will be different. Your values will be different. The action you need to take will be different. The answer to your misalignment might, in fact, be to GET A JOB AT A LAW FIRM! I can't tell you what you should do - but you can. If you take a moment, consider what really matters to you, and listen to what that quiet voice inside is telling you.
Nothing is worth compromising your values for.
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