Alicia McKay
I'm a career facilitator, so I built the first iteration of my business by helping others make sense of things. It's clear to me from personal and professional experience that when we don't take enough time to reflect on what's happened, and why, we rob ourselves and our teams of the opportunity to learn, grow and change things for the future.
But here's the thing: we can't stay there.
In this article:
The danger of getting stuck
Getting caught in a sense-making loop gets us stuck and keeps us looking backward. I know so many people that feel stuck right now. Teams are spinning their wheels. Leaders are getting nervous about how to gear up for another year of uncertainty as people wallow in the malaise and fallout of the one we just had.
- Will there be another wave?
- Should we have managed the last one differently?
- Did we make a mistake laying people off?
- Did we make a mistake not laying people off?
- What should we commit to?
- Who should we commit to?
- Should I have bought a house this year?
- Should I have left my job?
- Should we have changed our business completely?
…. and so it goes. So many questions, so few answers.
The truth is, it kind of doesn't matter.
What's done is done.
At some point, we just have to move on.
Why acceptance matters
We all know someone who can't move on - from a hurt, an ex, a job, or a disappointment. Eventually, we don't want to hang out with them because we know we will hear the same old rehash. Maybe you're that person.
When we feel like that, on some level, it's because we don't want to move on. It's scary. It might mean doing something new and unknown. Confronting something uncomfortable about ourselves. Taking a risk. Losing something or someone we really care about. When things are uncertain, we often don't know what to move on to.
Don't get me wrong, acceptance is hard. It's even harder when you're taking a whole family, team or business along with you. But if we can't accept things for what they are, we stay stuck.
When you reach a place of acceptance in your life, team or business, you start hearing phrases like:
- "We've talked this to death. Now let's move forward."
- "Of all the things we can't control - and there's a lot - let's get clear on what we can."
- "This is a great map of our journey... what comes after this?"
- "What's the title of the next chapter?"
What acceptance is about
Acceptance doesn't mean faking a silver lining. It doesn't mean justifying, rewriting the past, or supporting regretful decisions. Acceptance means permitting things to be as they are instead of struggling against them. It means leaving things you can't change alone. It means acknowledging the past and present without anxiety, guilt or shame.
Acceptance gives you peace, power and happiness. So, let go of regret. Let go of disappointment. Take a step back, a deep breath, and bravely look toward the uncertain future. Things were never as certain as they looked. Things are never as bad as they seem. You've got the power to take charge.
I can't promise that your decisions will be right or that the things you try will work. Many of them won't. But it's a long game, and if you don't look forward now, you'll soon be the person people avoid. The business people avoid working with. The leader people don't listen to. The team-member that drags everyone else down.
It's time to get unstuck, accept reality, and take new steps. It's time to move on.
Your acceptance pathway
Get a head-start on your acceptance journey with these four baby steps:
Step 1: Decide you want to move on
You can’t achieve something you don’t want yet. If you’re still holding on to frustration, disappointment or anger, it might be because you want to. There’s probably a little voice inside you saying: “why should I accept this? This is bullsh*t!”
Yep, it probably is bullshit. But if you want to get on with your life, you have to want to accept it. Here's a helpful tip: by accepting what's happened, you're not giving in or giving up.
Acceptance is widely misunderstood. When we’ve been wronged, acceptance feels like giving in. Weakness. Losing power. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Acceptance gives you your power back, freeing your energy from everything you can’t control.
Acceptance is not agreeing with or acquiescing to what’s happened. It’s not about being weak - it’s about being strong enough to see things for what they are and take action anyway. Acceptance is about making an intentional choice to put your precious and finite attention in places that will bring you progress.
Decision questions
Try asking questions like:
- “Is this where I want to put my energy?”
- “What do I get out of panicking, ruminating or complaining about this?”
- “How much power am I giving up by sitting here stuck?”
Step 2: Acknowledge reality
Acceptance needs awareness. You need to see things as they really are - not as you want to see them - if you’re ever going to move forward. Acknowledgement means sticking to the facts and stripping away the stories we put with them.
For example…
“I lost my job" is an acknowledgement.
“I lost my job because my boss is an unreasonable asshole” is a story that keeps us stuck in blame.
“I lost my job and now I’ve wasted years for nothing” is a story that keeps us stuck in anxiety.
or
“We need to find new revenue streams this year” is an acknowledgement.
“We need to find new revenue streams because COVID has ruined everything” is a story that keeps us stuck in disappointment.
“We need to find new revenue streams and we don’t have many options” is a story that keeps us stuck in fear.
When you’re observing your own thoughts or the conversations of others, keep an ear out for stories and try to nip them in the bud.
The sound of acknowledgement
Try saying things like:
- “That’s just a story we’re telling ourselves.”
- “Let’s stick to the facts.”
- “Let’s be honest with ourselves here.”
Step 3: Define a new frame
Once you’ve acknowledged things for how they are, you can tell a better story about them. Because while you might not have any control over what happens, you do have control over your perspective.
Useful framing questions
With your unhelpful stories unearthed and put to bed, you can zoom out and ask some better, bigger-picture questions.
- How does this fit into the scheme of things?
- What chapter title will you give this bit?
- What will this help with?
- How can you grow from this?
- What opportunities does it open up?
The sound of acceptance
You're getting close to real acceptance once you define a new, more helpful frame.
You can tell, because you find yourself thinking and saying things like:
- ‘I’m actually glad this happened, because…’
- ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s…’
This step isn’t about finding silver linings that don’t exist, but it is about taking a more useful view of your reality that you can do something with. When you focus on growth, learning and the big picture, you get out of the short-term stress response loop and come very close to moving on.
Step 4: Choose your response
When you’ve decided to move on, made peace with your reality and put things into perspective, all that’s left is the hard bit. You need to do things differently.
This isn’t about a list of new tasks or a new project. These are only helpful when you have some certainty about what’s coming next. If you’re trying to accept something big, chances are you have no idea what’s around the corner.
That’s cool. Acceptance isn’t about a master plan. It's about how you will show up and tackle the ongoing fallout. Acceptance is about taking the power back for your own behaviour and mindset and living in alignment.
If you’ve lost your job, choose to stay open to new opportunities you haven’t considered.
If you’re looking for new revenue, choose confidence in your customer relationships and show them extra support.
If you’re coping with the end of a relationship, choose clear boundaries and standards for who you have in your life.
If you’re coping with failure, choose to focus on the lessons you've learned and the growth you've experienced.
Good questions to choose a response
- “Who do we want to be as we move on from this?”
- “What matters most to us?”
- “How can we respond that we will be proud of when we look back?”
Bonus step: keep going
Above all, acceptance isn’t an achievement to unlock, but a practice.
When things are tough, you’ll probably move in and out of these steps each and every day. That’s not a sign it isn’t working. It’s more proof that things are still shifting, and you can shift with them.
Challenge yourself and those around you, and when you get it wrong… start again tomorrow.
You’ve got this.
